Tough Conversations: Leave "you" out of it

Tough conversations are just that because we are trying to express an important issue that we've tied to an emotion. When we try to express a "fact" through our emotional lens, many times it comes out as an opinion. We heap gasoline onto the fire when we add the word "you". We've all said it ..."You did this or that". Once you have uttered the accusatory "you", your chances of getting through to the person have now decreased. Even if your intent was honorable, the impact could be devastating. The last thing that you want to do is have them defend themselves, and this is exactly what you have done.

Replace the "you" with an "I" statement. An example would sound like "I felt bored" rather than "you were boring". Using "I" statements is the first step. It puts the onus on you because it's what you felt, you are simply telling them your experience. The second step is to be more specific. "I felt bored when your voice was monotone (or lacking inflection)”. Telling your experience and specifically what may have caused it, helps them listen to your point of view. Sharing the cause gives them something to work on. Saying you were bored gives them absolutely nothing to improve. They just get frustrated because they don't know what to do with the comment.

The next time you are having a tough conversation, be mindful of the way your words frame your message.

If you could not fail

You've no doubt heard the cliche question that goes like this: "If you knew the date certain of your death, how would it change the way you live your life?“ While that question generates the desired "change now" responses, it's conjures a rather fatalistic view of getting the important things in before you die ... because it could happen tomorrow.

While I don't like the question, the intent there is good. Here is a question that gets to the issue: "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” No, this is not a Miss Universe Pageant question. I’m putting this question to you. Take a moment to catalog your first thoughts. Were your thoughts positive or negative? Were they anticipating or regretful? This question, by Robert Schuller, famous minister and author, speaks to the very heart what we expect from ourselves.

The key word is expect. Our expectations of ourselves rule our actions. It's the thermostat in our lives. We rise or fall back to that level that we set. What have you not attempted for fear of failing? Do you expect great things of yourself? ... and if not, why not?

Scheduling Kindness

As a person who is "naturally" more impulsive and less organized, a "P" for you Myers Briggs folks, I found it necessary to create more structure in my life. I made this decision years ago mostly based on the PAIN that being disorganized caused and partly based on living with my wife who is a straight up "J". It's a daily struggle for a person with a wing it attitude. Now I've got folders, goal lists, calendars and a to-do list on my iPhone that helps me daily with tasks such as daily reflection, changing the HVAC filter, weekly goal review and writing a blog post!

Obviously, I believe in the adage that if it doesn't get scheduled, it doesn't get done. On a weekly basis, I review my world, adjust my lists and get it done. (Yes, I'm a David Allen fan). One item that I added to my weekly goal and task list last year was "perform an act of kindness". If you know me you won't find this unusual because I forget everything if I don't write it down.

Including "kindness" in my weekly goals serves just one purpose. It forces me to think about what my actions have been and what kind of person I am. It's a friendly reminder that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I'm reminded to really listen, share a laugh, say a kind word, write a note or show some affection.

How do you remind yourself?

Take this Work/Life Balance Poll

Do you wear a mask?

In fifth-century Athens, when two actors played all the parts in a Greek theatre production, the actors would wear different masks to signify a different persona. Can you picture having a conversation with someone holding up a mask? Well many of us do it every day. Now you know I’m not being literal here. I’m talking about an invisible mask that magically shields our thoughts, energy and emotions from others.

Why would someone wear a mask? One reason is they think that if people knew who they really were, they wouldn’t be liked, respected or even loved. As a result we hold up a mask of the person that we want others to see. We do this to protect ourselves because we may feel we don’t measure up and we don’t want people to see us. Some have held their mask for so long that they don’t know what it feels like without the mask.

Holding up a mask takes an inordinate amount of energy … being you takes much less. It's about accepting yourself for who you are. Loving the imperfect you. The first step is awareness. Ask yourself in every interaction "is this the real me". If you can do this you are on your way to reclaiming that energy.

Stirring the Pot ... a distraction

With the advent of the 24 hour news cycle, everything is news! The supermarket tabloid "news" can now be found in mainstream media on websites and cable channels. This snooping and barrage of half truths has taken water cooler talk to a new level. It's even evident in the "reality" shows that have grown to be standard fare over the past decade. It's all about drama, stirring the pot.

This drama takes us away from what's really important. If we are focused on everything outside of us, we have no time to focus on us. We have no time to look within. When was that last time you took a few moments to take a look at yourself? When was that last time you slowed down to take stock of all your activities and behaviors. Are you on track? Do you even have a track?

Right now you have time to do this! Don't listen to that inner voice that says "do it later". That voice does not have your best interest at heart. Do it right now. Take five minutes to self assess. Think of all that you do and all that you can do. Think of yourself, relationships and family. Stir your own pot!

Don't assume that your version is the Truth

Wouldn't it be nice if you had "Factcheck.org" available to you in all of the difficult conversations in your life? I find the "truth" is something that is very elusive these days. The 24/7 new cycle finds people playing fast and loose with the truth and it's contagious.

Some believe something is true just because they see it in print in major media or in the blog-o-sphere! When engaging in any negotiation or difficult conversation, don’t assume that your version of the situation is “the truth”.

Often we walk into interactions with others thinking that we’ve got everything that we need to handle the situation. We forget that our version is simply that, a version. Success in this interaction will require that we get as much information as possible to paint a more precise picture and to give us greater perspective.

Today, we are lucky if we ever get to the actual facts. But I believe that we should still strive to educate ourselves and always search for the truth.

The Apology: the past and the future

How may apologies have you heard in the media lately? Too many to count. The formula for a good apology follows the 3 R's: 1. assume RESPONSIBILITY, 2. demonstrate REGRET, and 3. offer a Remedy. But there is more ... and it's about expectations.

Taking responsibility in an apology requires much more than saying "it was my fault". It requires that you fully understand the consequences and are willing to accept them. The truly difficult part is that the consequences may hurt in that you may not get to continue on the same path that you were on before you made the mistake. Your actions may have cost you that privilege. It could be a mistake you made on the job or in a valued relationship. While the other party may forgive you, that doesn't mean that you get to come back.

Taking responsibility means that you grow from the mistake, accept your new circumstances, and find a way to create a new path. That path may lead in a new direction or could take you back to a familiar one. The only certainly is that what happens next all depends on what you've learned and how you integrate those new learnings into new actions.

Paying It Forward

The laws of physics state that a body at rest will stay at rest unless exerted on by an external force. When we do something kind for someone, a totally selfless act where we stand to gain nothing but the pleasure of knowing we helped, we exert a force on someone's internal kindness.

We all have the internal capacity to give of ourselves to others. Sharing our time, talents and resources with others in need is a powerful force. And face it, we are all in need at one time or another. Your act might be a kind word to someone who is having a difficult day, supporting a friend when things aren't going right or volunteering your time for a worthy cause. Sometimes it takes that extra step out of our comfort zone to make that happen.

Understand that your small gesture plants a seed in others. It may sprout immediately or in time. Small gifts are as powerful as water wearing away stone. The results aren't immediately apparent, but over the years a change appears.

Magically, that one little selfless gesture that you made to lift someone's spirits, that seed you planted, turns around and lifts your own.

... walk a mile in their shoes

Don't be quick to judge. For years I have heard people say that you can't understand someone until you've walked a mile in there shoes. I've always believed that but the meaning has become even more clear to me over the past several months. How we view an event determines the meaning that it has for us. We can view it from within the confines of our own thoughts, experiences and beliefs or we can choose to step out on the balcony to get a better view and perspective.

Over the past several months I have reacted differently to events that I would have considered to be non-starters or dead on arrival just a few short years ago. I'm not sure if it's wisdom gained by my 49 years or just a slow learner catching up. It's probably the effect of having four teenagers! Gaining the proper perspective seems to be one of the keys to making more informed decisions. Asking yourself questions that help you consider what that person was going through, what may have caused the incident, what needs to be done now, and what needs to happen to move forward. The bottom line is that it's already happened and we have to be prepared to move forward in a productive and not destructive way.

In the past I have criticized the actions of others in response to certain situations, but today I will strive to walk a mile in their shoes.

Is it in you?

You may recall this TV ad for Gatorade or "G". To the hard hitting drums and rhythms of the marching band, an exhausted women’s basketball player and her teammates crisscross the hardwood demonstrating quickness and endurance. Sweating football players practice vigorously, pushing themselves through grueling drills and hitting with reckless abandon. Soccer (futbol) players battling both gravity and heat work through agility drills, all in preparation for flawless execution on game day. A bold voice over penetrates the action with “There are no fee rides on the road to victory, do you have what it takes to pay the toll? Is it in you?

Wow! Is it in you? While this powerful commercial is about Gatorade, it made me wonder about something deeper and much more personal. About what is in each of us that makes us who we are and drives us to who we will become? Inside each of us lays a rich reservoir. This reservoir holds our powers to dream, to believe, to excel, to empower and to persevere. It holds the power to be great. When I say great, I don’t mean rich, powerful or famous. I’m talking about great in the way that we fully utilize our inner potential. The potential that we were all given at birth. We are charged with tapping into this reservoir and evoking that potential to make a difference. To be our best at what ever we are called to do. From Bill Gates to Mother Theresa, to the volunteer in the homeless shelter.

Every day we make decisions that shape who we are and who we will become. We have the potential to be as successful as we choose. Consciously or subconsciously, we choose our target for success. Like we use a thermostat to control the temperature in a room, we set the desired temperature which will be comfortable for us. When the temperature rises or falls the system kicks in to maintain. If we never change the thermostat, the temperature never changes. We seek to achieve or not to achieve, in this same way. If we target a desired level of achievement, our behaviors and actions move us in the direction of that goal. However, like the commercial says, “there are no fee rides on the road to victory”.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What are my gifts? What does my reservoir hold?
2. Have I tapped into my reservoir?
3. What’s in the way of my success?

Recalculating...

Consumed by your thoughts, you pass by the street where you were supposed to make a left turn. You were oblivious even though your GPS had calmly informed you "left turn ahead" a few hundred yards back. Once you've realized your error, your momentary panic is eased by the calm voice of your GPS, "recalculating ... recalculating". The tone of the reminder is calm and kind, no alarm here. It's almost as if it expected you to screw it up. It doesn't say I told you so, it is not provoked and doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness. And though we've now gone out of our way, minutes later we are back on track.

Last Sunday, the homily at my church focused on this theme and linked it to our "internal" GPS in it's effort to move us closer to God. While this was in the macro aspect, my mind went immediately to the micro and how we work on a daily basis to move towards our life and work goals. We think we are moving toward that goal or target and for some reason we get caught up in the day-to-day and suddenly we've missed our turn or taken a wrong turn. This miscue may have been a poor decision, financial crisis, staying in an unhealthy relationship, a career mishap or any number of unexpected detours that life hands out. When this happens it's important to stop, recenter ourselves, and listen for that voice. It's funny that when we take a few moments to collect ourselves and look inside, we can hear that inner GPS as it recalculates. It's impossible to hear that voice if your head is surrounded in the noise of the day-to-day. The inner GPS tells you the truth about what you've done, where you are and where you need to go. I'm not saying that this is easy to hear. In fact, many of us hear just part of the message because we immediately resurface to the comfort of the day-to-day noise when the message is tough. It may be too uncomfortable for us to stay "inside" and really listen.

As the saying goes, "nothing worthwhile is ever easy". When you veer off track, listen for the calm voice that evokes from inside ... "recalculating ... recalculating".

Big Rocks

As I was working on my Work/Life Balance Workshop, this story came to mind. Many years ago as a management trainee, a leadership facilitator provided us with a large mason jar, a number of fist-sized rocks, a bucket of gravel, a bucket of sand, and a pitcher of water. She then asked us to fit all of this into these items into the jar. We tried a number of combinations but to no avail. We tried to layer the gravel, sand then rocks. This didn’t work.

Finally, the instructor showed us the way. She first placed the big rocks in the jar, followed by the gravel, followed by the sand. Just when we thought that she wasn’t going to be successful and to our amazement, she poured the entire pitcher of water into the jar. Everything fit. She proceeded to tell us that if you put the big rocks in first, everything else will fall into place. If you put all the other stuff in first, the big rocks will never fit.

What are the big rocks in your life and what is the other stuff that’s filling your jar? Some big rocks may be getting an education, spending quality time with those that you love, volunteering, building your faith or starting a relationship. If you focus on the big things in your life, you'll be amazed at how much you can get done. Order does matter.

How do you think?

How do you view daily activities in your life? I often think of the glass half full or half empty schools of thought. I struggle to look for the good each day as I re-frame daily events. A recent blog post by Cindy Hess Kasper got me thinking about just being thankful. In her post, she recounts a story about a friend who broke her left arm. The friend told her how thankful she was that she wouldn't have to have surgery, how thankful she was that she was right handed and could still work, how thankful she was that she had good bones and was a fast healer, and finally how thankful she was that the break wasn't any worse! OK, get the picture here. She was working very hard to see the good. I say very hard because you know how easy it is to see the bad. If your really think about it, why would you even want to see the bad or involve yourself in glass half empty thinking. It does no good whatsoever and is totally not productive. What happened was in the past and cannot be changed.


ESPN featured a story yesterday about a young boy who was standing next to a train, as young kids do, and a step on the side of the train caught his backpack dragging him under the train. The result, both legs damaged enough that they had to be amputated. Years later, as a high school wrestler ... yes, a wrestler, he said about his situation "I'm just seeing it as a challenge God has given me and how I'm going to react to this challenge ... let it make me the person I am, or let it break me."

You and I have things happen to us every day. How do you choose to look at them?

Don't say it

Your significant other, close relative or friend has just said something that you disagree with. Either they are challenging you, baiting you or just trying to get the last word. I'll bet that nine times out of ten that this conversation rates extremely low on the importance scale. You know that if you say what's on the tip of your tongue, further escalation will ensue. This happened to me last week and in that "moment of truth", that second in time where I realized I had a choice to say something or let it go, I decided not to say it. Now that sounds like I chose to do the right thing; however, what I didn't tell is that I smirked. That's right, I smirked.

We'll you know as well as I do that a smirk is just as bad or worse than a retort. Without words I had escalated the disagreement. A mentor of mine shared some sage advice with me years ago. He said that if you really feel that you absolutely must say something. I mean that you literally feel like you are going to burst if you don't say something, that's your cue not to say it.. Don't utter a word, make a noise or any sort of facial expression. Let it pass. Let it go. You'll be a better person for it. That's what I keep telling myself.

Just a few extra steps

Last week I had a revelation after a quick visit to the local Costco. For those of you who frequent big box stores like Costco, B.J.'s and Sam's Club, you know there is no such thing as a quick visit. It was one of those grocery trips where you run in for two things but somehow spend $115. It happens every time a grab a cart... but I digress. That was not my revelation. As I pushed my grocery cart to the car I noticed rogue grocery carts strewn throughout the parking lot sans an owner. It looked like the gates to the corral opened and the freed horses were milling around the asphalt plains.

While there were plenty of cart corrals in the parking lot, apparently they weren't close enough. As I silently fumed, the older gentleman that got out of the car next to me remarked, "people are so lazy". As he said this, the approximately 70+ man began to gather the cars in the vicinity and push them towards the closest corral. While I was so proud that I put "my" cart back,I realized that I walked by at least five rogue carts on my way to the corral. When I started writing this blog post it was going to be about how sometimes we get lazy and inconsiderate, like dumping your cart in the lot. When you take a cart there is an implied contract that you will return it to it's proper home (common courtesy). My thought was that if we can't take care of the small agreements in our lives, how are we going to handle the big ones!

What I realized, as I began writing, was that my "AH HA" wasn't about the others being lazy, it was about how I responded. In my haste to be the better person, I walked by six carts that I could have taken just as easily to the corral. Now I realize that I was no better than the folks who abandon their carts throughout the day. How many of us do this? What does that say about how we treat people? Do we walk out of church and pretend we don't see the homeless person asking for help? Do we throw our trash in the bin then walk by trash on the ground. Are we so caught up in judging others that we fail to see how we can grow? Should we pay more attention to how we can help? I don't know what the answer is, but I think that my test started with those carts and I failed. Next time I won't.

Don't lose your life in the details...

... live it there.

When it was my turn to cook for two families at our vacation rental house, I was excited to whip up my favorite dish. Stress began to seep in when the proper pans, spices and utensils weren’t at my fingertips in this strange kitchen. My timing was off and nothing was cooking as expected. In my funk, I spurned offers of help and wallowed in my self pity as I finished preparing the meal. As our families sat down to eat, I found a rocker on the front porch and let go the anxiety of my kitchen ordeal. When I returned to the table, the meal was nearly done and the family moment concluded. I had lost perspective. While worrying about my performance, I had missed the most important part of a family meal ... enjoying special moments.

Have you missed special moments in your life because you’ve stressed over stuff that just doesn't matter? Don't sweat the details, live your life in them. Live in the small special moments that aren't announced, planned or on your calender. It's not the wedding, graduation or promotion. It's everything that happens in between the "big" moments that we should pay attention to. The learning and the living is in the journey.