Tough Conversations: Leave "you" out of it

Tough conversations are just that because we are trying to express an important issue that we've tied to an emotion. When we try to express a "fact" through our emotional lens, many times it comes out as an opinion. We heap gasoline onto the fire when we add the word "you". We've all said it ..."You did this or that". Once you have uttered the accusatory "you", your chances of getting through to the person have now decreased. Even if your intent was honorable, the impact could be devastating. The last thing that you want to do is have them defend themselves, and this is exactly what you have done.

Replace the "you" with an "I" statement. An example would sound like "I felt bored" rather than "you were boring". Using "I" statements is the first step. It puts the onus on you because it's what you felt, you are simply telling them your experience. The second step is to be more specific. "I felt bored when your voice was monotone (or lacking inflection)”. Telling your experience and specifically what may have caused it, helps them listen to your point of view. Sharing the cause gives them something to work on. Saying you were bored gives them absolutely nothing to improve. They just get frustrated because they don't know what to do with the comment.

The next time you are having a tough conversation, be mindful of the way your words frame your message.

If you could not fail

You've no doubt heard the cliche question that goes like this: "If you knew the date certain of your death, how would it change the way you live your life?“ While that question generates the desired "change now" responses, it's conjures a rather fatalistic view of getting the important things in before you die ... because it could happen tomorrow.

While I don't like the question, the intent there is good. Here is a question that gets to the issue: "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” No, this is not a Miss Universe Pageant question. I’m putting this question to you. Take a moment to catalog your first thoughts. Were your thoughts positive or negative? Were they anticipating or regretful? This question, by Robert Schuller, famous minister and author, speaks to the very heart what we expect from ourselves.

The key word is expect. Our expectations of ourselves rule our actions. It's the thermostat in our lives. We rise or fall back to that level that we set. What have you not attempted for fear of failing? Do you expect great things of yourself? ... and if not, why not?

Scheduling Kindness

As a person who is "naturally" more impulsive and less organized, a "P" for you Myers Briggs folks, I found it necessary to create more structure in my life. I made this decision years ago mostly based on the PAIN that being disorganized caused and partly based on living with my wife who is a straight up "J". It's a daily struggle for a person with a wing it attitude. Now I've got folders, goal lists, calendars and a to-do list on my iPhone that helps me daily with tasks such as daily reflection, changing the HVAC filter, weekly goal review and writing a blog post!

Obviously, I believe in the adage that if it doesn't get scheduled, it doesn't get done. On a weekly basis, I review my world, adjust my lists and get it done. (Yes, I'm a David Allen fan). One item that I added to my weekly goal and task list last year was "perform an act of kindness". If you know me you won't find this unusual because I forget everything if I don't write it down.

Including "kindness" in my weekly goals serves just one purpose. It forces me to think about what my actions have been and what kind of person I am. It's a friendly reminder that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I'm reminded to really listen, share a laugh, say a kind word, write a note or show some affection.

How do you remind yourself?

Take this Work/Life Balance Poll

Do you wear a mask?

In fifth-century Athens, when two actors played all the parts in a Greek theatre production, the actors would wear different masks to signify a different persona. Can you picture having a conversation with someone holding up a mask? Well many of us do it every day. Now you know I’m not being literal here. I’m talking about an invisible mask that magically shields our thoughts, energy and emotions from others.

Why would someone wear a mask? One reason is they think that if people knew who they really were, they wouldn’t be liked, respected or even loved. As a result we hold up a mask of the person that we want others to see. We do this to protect ourselves because we may feel we don’t measure up and we don’t want people to see us. Some have held their mask for so long that they don’t know what it feels like without the mask.

Holding up a mask takes an inordinate amount of energy … being you takes much less. It's about accepting yourself for who you are. Loving the imperfect you. The first step is awareness. Ask yourself in every interaction "is this the real me". If you can do this you are on your way to reclaiming that energy.

Stirring the Pot ... a distraction

With the advent of the 24 hour news cycle, everything is news! The supermarket tabloid "news" can now be found in mainstream media on websites and cable channels. This snooping and barrage of half truths has taken water cooler talk to a new level. It's even evident in the "reality" shows that have grown to be standard fare over the past decade. It's all about drama, stirring the pot.

This drama takes us away from what's really important. If we are focused on everything outside of us, we have no time to focus on us. We have no time to look within. When was that last time you took a few moments to take a look at yourself? When was that last time you slowed down to take stock of all your activities and behaviors. Are you on track? Do you even have a track?

Right now you have time to do this! Don't listen to that inner voice that says "do it later". That voice does not have your best interest at heart. Do it right now. Take five minutes to self assess. Think of all that you do and all that you can do. Think of yourself, relationships and family. Stir your own pot!

Don't assume that your version is the Truth

Wouldn't it be nice if you had "Factcheck.org" available to you in all of the difficult conversations in your life? I find the "truth" is something that is very elusive these days. The 24/7 new cycle finds people playing fast and loose with the truth and it's contagious.

Some believe something is true just because they see it in print in major media or in the blog-o-sphere! When engaging in any negotiation or difficult conversation, don’t assume that your version of the situation is “the truth”.

Often we walk into interactions with others thinking that we’ve got everything that we need to handle the situation. We forget that our version is simply that, a version. Success in this interaction will require that we get as much information as possible to paint a more precise picture and to give us greater perspective.

Today, we are lucky if we ever get to the actual facts. But I believe that we should still strive to educate ourselves and always search for the truth.