The Apology: the past and the future

How may apologies have you heard in the media lately? Too many to count. The formula for a good apology follows the 3 R's: 1. assume RESPONSIBILITY, 2. demonstrate REGRET, and 3. offer a Remedy. But there is more ... and it's about expectations.

Taking responsibility in an apology requires much more than saying "it was my fault". It requires that you fully understand the consequences and are willing to accept them. The truly difficult part is that the consequences may hurt in that you may not get to continue on the same path that you were on before you made the mistake. Your actions may have cost you that privilege. It could be a mistake you made on the job or in a valued relationship. While the other party may forgive you, that doesn't mean that you get to come back.

Taking responsibility means that you grow from the mistake, accept your new circumstances, and find a way to create a new path. That path may lead in a new direction or could take you back to a familiar one. The only certainly is that what happens next all depends on what you've learned and how you integrate those new learnings into new actions.

Paying It Forward

The laws of physics state that a body at rest will stay at rest unless exerted on by an external force. When we do something kind for someone, a totally selfless act where we stand to gain nothing but the pleasure of knowing we helped, we exert a force on someone's internal kindness.

We all have the internal capacity to give of ourselves to others. Sharing our time, talents and resources with others in need is a powerful force. And face it, we are all in need at one time or another. Your act might be a kind word to someone who is having a difficult day, supporting a friend when things aren't going right or volunteering your time for a worthy cause. Sometimes it takes that extra step out of our comfort zone to make that happen.

Understand that your small gesture plants a seed in others. It may sprout immediately or in time. Small gifts are as powerful as water wearing away stone. The results aren't immediately apparent, but over the years a change appears.

Magically, that one little selfless gesture that you made to lift someone's spirits, that seed you planted, turns around and lifts your own.

... walk a mile in their shoes

Don't be quick to judge. For years I have heard people say that you can't understand someone until you've walked a mile in there shoes. I've always believed that but the meaning has become even more clear to me over the past several months. How we view an event determines the meaning that it has for us. We can view it from within the confines of our own thoughts, experiences and beliefs or we can choose to step out on the balcony to get a better view and perspective.

Over the past several months I have reacted differently to events that I would have considered to be non-starters or dead on arrival just a few short years ago. I'm not sure if it's wisdom gained by my 49 years or just a slow learner catching up. It's probably the effect of having four teenagers! Gaining the proper perspective seems to be one of the keys to making more informed decisions. Asking yourself questions that help you consider what that person was going through, what may have caused the incident, what needs to be done now, and what needs to happen to move forward. The bottom line is that it's already happened and we have to be prepared to move forward in a productive and not destructive way.

In the past I have criticized the actions of others in response to certain situations, but today I will strive to walk a mile in their shoes.

Is it in you?

You may recall this TV ad for Gatorade or "G". To the hard hitting drums and rhythms of the marching band, an exhausted women’s basketball player and her teammates crisscross the hardwood demonstrating quickness and endurance. Sweating football players practice vigorously, pushing themselves through grueling drills and hitting with reckless abandon. Soccer (futbol) players battling both gravity and heat work through agility drills, all in preparation for flawless execution on game day. A bold voice over penetrates the action with “There are no fee rides on the road to victory, do you have what it takes to pay the toll? Is it in you?

Wow! Is it in you? While this powerful commercial is about Gatorade, it made me wonder about something deeper and much more personal. About what is in each of us that makes us who we are and drives us to who we will become? Inside each of us lays a rich reservoir. This reservoir holds our powers to dream, to believe, to excel, to empower and to persevere. It holds the power to be great. When I say great, I don’t mean rich, powerful or famous. I’m talking about great in the way that we fully utilize our inner potential. The potential that we were all given at birth. We are charged with tapping into this reservoir and evoking that potential to make a difference. To be our best at what ever we are called to do. From Bill Gates to Mother Theresa, to the volunteer in the homeless shelter.

Every day we make decisions that shape who we are and who we will become. We have the potential to be as successful as we choose. Consciously or subconsciously, we choose our target for success. Like we use a thermostat to control the temperature in a room, we set the desired temperature which will be comfortable for us. When the temperature rises or falls the system kicks in to maintain. If we never change the thermostat, the temperature never changes. We seek to achieve or not to achieve, in this same way. If we target a desired level of achievement, our behaviors and actions move us in the direction of that goal. However, like the commercial says, “there are no fee rides on the road to victory”.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What are my gifts? What does my reservoir hold?
2. Have I tapped into my reservoir?
3. What’s in the way of my success?

Recalculating...

Consumed by your thoughts, you pass by the street where you were supposed to make a left turn. You were oblivious even though your GPS had calmly informed you "left turn ahead" a few hundred yards back. Once you've realized your error, your momentary panic is eased by the calm voice of your GPS, "recalculating ... recalculating". The tone of the reminder is calm and kind, no alarm here. It's almost as if it expected you to screw it up. It doesn't say I told you so, it is not provoked and doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness. And though we've now gone out of our way, minutes later we are back on track.

Last Sunday, the homily at my church focused on this theme and linked it to our "internal" GPS in it's effort to move us closer to God. While this was in the macro aspect, my mind went immediately to the micro and how we work on a daily basis to move towards our life and work goals. We think we are moving toward that goal or target and for some reason we get caught up in the day-to-day and suddenly we've missed our turn or taken a wrong turn. This miscue may have been a poor decision, financial crisis, staying in an unhealthy relationship, a career mishap or any number of unexpected detours that life hands out. When this happens it's important to stop, recenter ourselves, and listen for that voice. It's funny that when we take a few moments to collect ourselves and look inside, we can hear that inner GPS as it recalculates. It's impossible to hear that voice if your head is surrounded in the noise of the day-to-day. The inner GPS tells you the truth about what you've done, where you are and where you need to go. I'm not saying that this is easy to hear. In fact, many of us hear just part of the message because we immediately resurface to the comfort of the day-to-day noise when the message is tough. It may be too uncomfortable for us to stay "inside" and really listen.

As the saying goes, "nothing worthwhile is ever easy". When you veer off track, listen for the calm voice that evokes from inside ... "recalculating ... recalculating".

Big Rocks

As I was working on my Work/Life Balance Workshop, this story came to mind. Many years ago as a management trainee, a leadership facilitator provided us with a large mason jar, a number of fist-sized rocks, a bucket of gravel, a bucket of sand, and a pitcher of water. She then asked us to fit all of this into these items into the jar. We tried a number of combinations but to no avail. We tried to layer the gravel, sand then rocks. This didn’t work.

Finally, the instructor showed us the way. She first placed the big rocks in the jar, followed by the gravel, followed by the sand. Just when we thought that she wasn’t going to be successful and to our amazement, she poured the entire pitcher of water into the jar. Everything fit. She proceeded to tell us that if you put the big rocks in first, everything else will fall into place. If you put all the other stuff in first, the big rocks will never fit.

What are the big rocks in your life and what is the other stuff that’s filling your jar? Some big rocks may be getting an education, spending quality time with those that you love, volunteering, building your faith or starting a relationship. If you focus on the big things in your life, you'll be amazed at how much you can get done. Order does matter.

How do you think?

How do you view daily activities in your life? I often think of the glass half full or half empty schools of thought. I struggle to look for the good each day as I re-frame daily events. A recent blog post by Cindy Hess Kasper got me thinking about just being thankful. In her post, she recounts a story about a friend who broke her left arm. The friend told her how thankful she was that she wouldn't have to have surgery, how thankful she was that she was right handed and could still work, how thankful she was that she had good bones and was a fast healer, and finally how thankful she was that the break wasn't any worse! OK, get the picture here. She was working very hard to see the good. I say very hard because you know how easy it is to see the bad. If your really think about it, why would you even want to see the bad or involve yourself in glass half empty thinking. It does no good whatsoever and is totally not productive. What happened was in the past and cannot be changed.


ESPN featured a story yesterday about a young boy who was standing next to a train, as young kids do, and a step on the side of the train caught his backpack dragging him under the train. The result, both legs damaged enough that they had to be amputated. Years later, as a high school wrestler ... yes, a wrestler, he said about his situation "I'm just seeing it as a challenge God has given me and how I'm going to react to this challenge ... let it make me the person I am, or let it break me."

You and I have things happen to us every day. How do you choose to look at them?